Pass the Ritalin.

 I don't know whether it's the hangover or my perpetual state of ADHD which is wearing me down but either way, I am beginning to feel more than a little restless. Is it all just a test of my commitment to my chilled-out-zen-like existence.... ? And of my patience and faith in the cosmos? I hope so.... but the more time I spend in Britain (as truly wonderful as both the hospitality and the weather have been and as thankful as I am for the same) the more I find myself wondering what the bloody hell I'm doing. Other than wasting precious days of my already meagre existence. Though, that said, I did meet some lovely people yesterday. And some very happy pigs.

It's all very comfortable you see, settled... home-cooked meals, my own (very messy) room, glasses of delicious wine in the garden, use of a super-fast Audi (I'm not confident of hanging onto my licence for much longer), an easy wee job with lovely people.... And I've discovered that I'm not very comfortable with being comfortable. Nor settled. Hence wanting to live in a van and go on a pilgrimage and a Buddhist retreat I suppose....

So, on the path to enlightenment and self-knowledge, I need to figure out what my aversion is to being settled before I go unsettling myself again, on a whim, to wherever life takes me... The next throw of the dice (thanks Craig)... but that's harder than it seems. And when I ponder it, really ponder it, it makes me sad. Which, if nothing else, is a sure sign I'm onto something... I feel like it's all a trap, you see. Like the Junk Lady's room in Labyrinth (possibly why my room is full of junk.... ). It's not real. All this shit we surround ourselves with. The routine, the familiar faces, familiar ideas, familiar environments.... Never really pushing ourselves to do something new, something different. Get out there. See the world. Just the same old thing day in, day out....

It's boring. It's stupid. And it's a waste of a life, my life at any rate... Life isn't comfortable. Life isn't settled. So, until July 6th (and the ensuing silence) I shall enjoy being comfortable and settled (and meeting wonderful people and pigs), safe in the knowledge that the walls will all, soon enough, come crashing down.

For now, I'm off to meditate in the garden. Peace and Love.